On Open Adoption

Since we are now firmly in waiting mode, we're finding that we don't have much to say about where we are adoption-wise. In the week following our home study finalization, we had a rush of activity. We were told about one baby here in K.C. (which we both decided was a wrong fit for us--a decision that was remarkably easy) and a whole handful of others in different parts of the country. We are still not entirely sure if we want to pursue an out-of-state adoption, and we haven't gotten any further information, so we are now in a bit of a stalemate.

One of the main reasons we're concerned about a long distance adoption is the probability that the birth mother won't be able to have much contact with us after the adoption. We also are uncomfortable with the fact that we might not know what kind of counseling the birth mother is receiving. When we first started this process, we, like many other soon-to-be adoptive parents were really scared of an open adoption, where there is continued contact with the birth mother. It felt invasive (and still does a little, honestly) and problematic. Is it healthy for the birth mom to have so much contact with us? What if we don't get along? But as we've gotten further along, we've been finding ourselves being drawn to open adoptions more and more.

Our agency gave us a book to read that is written for mothers thinking about placing their child for adoption, called The Third Choice. I'm not gonna lie, it's not the happiest book on the planet, but it's been eye-opening. It reinforces the fact that adoption ultimately is a loss for everyone involved. The adoptive parents lose privacy and often are dealing with the loss of having a biological child. The child loses the experience of being raised with their biological family, and the birth mom obviously loses her baby. No matter how secure the birth mother is with her adoption decision, she will experience some kind of depression after the placement. The book quotes a birth mom, "I never knew I could hurt so much. I never thought I would cry so long." And while every situation is unique, having an open adoption can often help a birth mother cope. Seeing her baby in their new home with their new parents can help calm fears that she made a bad decision. She can also know and interact her child, just not as a parent. It also answers a lot of questions for the child. Here's a quote from the book from an adoptive parent:

"It's funny how initially I feared contact with my birthparent and now I treasure it. My daughter knows she is loved by her birthmom not because I have told her so but because she has been told this directly from her birthmom. This means the world to me as I know this contributes to my efforts to try to help her become a strong, well-adjusted young woman."

So we don't know what kind of adoption we'll end up with, we just hope and pray that the birth mom receives the support and counseling that she needs, and that the whole process is a healthy one.

In other news, we now have a new rug and light fixture for the nursery!

 

And baby's not the only one getting new furniture:

 

The Silent Treatment Is Pretty Childish After All

Kansas and I are finally back on speaking terms. Perhaps I should elaborate.

The reason we haven't updated this blog in many moons is because there has been no change. Back in late March/early April we found out that we needed far more paperwork than we expected for our home study. We're talkin' background checks from each state we've lived in for something like the last 10 years. Kansas had been completed but nothing else. So we begrudgingly got together more paperwork and sent off our requests. Though it seemed like an eternity, two weeks later we had all our background checks. In fact, they all came in within two days of each other. Fantastic! Or so we thought. As it turned out, a child abuse screening from Kansas was never received by our agency. To put it in perspective, the check for the screening cleared on March 27th; but by mid-April we were still waiting. After a couple days of phone calls we learned that Kansas had supposedly sent the report and that they do not keep copies. I ask you, dear reader, in this day and age who doesn't backup their work? So we sent off for a new screening.

Fast forward two more weeks to last Friday. We received an email out of the blue from our social worker saying that she received our screening. Hooray! I'm going to say it once more, this time with feeling. HOORAY! I apologize for the caps lock, dear reader: I wasn't yelling at you.

All that needs to be done now is our home study will need whatever random placeholder date was used replaced with "05/12/2012". Sounds good to me. We'll be able to be shown to birth moms pretty much immediately.

So that's why I say that I'm back on speaking terms with Kansas.

Waiting...to be waiting

Well, it's been about three weeks since our home study and we've taken some big steps forward and a few steps back. We were less than pleased to find out that some of our paperwork had fallen through the cracks at our agency, and that we needed to fill out background checks for three additional states. After a lot of frustration, we finally got everything in the mail. Unfortunately, our home study cannot be finalized until our background checks are cleared, and that could possibly take several more weeks. So now all we can do is wait...then once everything is cleared we can officially start waiting to be matched with a baby.

So with all this waiting in our future, we're trying to keep ourselves busy. We finished our family profile books (they look great!). We'll probably check out some books from the library about adoption, raising children of a different race, etc., etc. But the thing I'm most excited about is starting our nursery! A couple of weeks ago we moved all of my office furniture into our guest bedroom so that we could start painting. I don't think I've ever been more excited to paint a room. Here's some before pictures:

We had some major water damage in this room that is (finally!!) fixed, so it's nice to have covered up all reminders of that fiasco. And time has not been a friend to this room, so it needed a little extra TLC. (The floor looks like someone practiced tap dancing in it everyday...rough shape.) So we chose a nice clean, crisp cream color for the walls (a departure from my normal love of colorful walls), painted the trim so it's all the same color (none of the trim matched before), and now the room just glows with sunlight. We're so happy with it!

Of course I've already picked out a crib, rug (turquoise!), light fixture, you name it, but we're trying to pace ourselves. It won't make the waiting any easier if we have a fully finished nursery and no baby. But it feels great to make a little progress! And to end, a photo of the sweet sock monkey my mother made:

Wherein the home study is complete and our cheese runs in fear

First, let me start by saying that I apologize for getting this up so late after the home study. Second, let me finish by saying it is such a relief to have it in the rear-view mirror. The home study wasn't hard by any stretch, but Ashley and I put so much of ourselves into preparing that I think we built it up into something greater than what is was. All it amounted to was a woman a few years older than Ashley or I coming into our home and asking us a questions regarding our past (how we met, our childhoods, etc.). The icing on the cake was that our social worker completing the home study knew at least two people from our church. It was talking with a good friend. She clearly knew how to make a home study easy on the participants. In fact, if we had the same social worker, I'd do another home study in a heart beat. I really enjoyed getting to reminisce with Ashley.

The home study paper work should be done in about two weeks. In addition, we finally got our background check applications in the mail from Light House and sent them off for completion. That only leaves the profile book, which we ordered today. That's all of it folks! It won't truly be finished until the profile books are in the hands of Light House and our social worker in Florida, but it is such a weight off our chests. I can't wait to hear about our first showing!

On the lighter side, my love for cheese knows no bounds. Sure, I may not like all cheeses; but I sure do enjoy the good ones. We've been a little "cheese impaired" the last couple of months. First, one of our cheese graters lost its handle then our cheese slicer went out of commission. Thankfully we had a cheese knife, but still...it was harder to enjoy one of my favorite treats. NOT ANYMORE! Ashley and I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond last night and got ourselves a new grater and cheese slicer; and the slicer has this fantastic, squishy handle. No blisters from cutting cheese for this guy! We also bought a paper towel holder from one of the only companies with which I will remain brand loyal, Simple Human. They're probably the Apple of home goods, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is there products are fantastic and I won't say any more about them without further provocation. Seriously. I'm done.

Disappointments and what comes next

As you may or may not have heard, our home study appointment was postponed. I think it's safe to say that we're a little disappointed, but we are encouraged by the quick turn around. To sum it all up, the children of the social worker who was to do our home study on Monday came down with colds; therefore, she had to care for her kids. God willing, she will be performing the home study this Friday night at 6:30 pm. Friday wasn't one of her available days initially, so we're thankful that she's making room for us.

In the meantime we've been focusing a lot of our energy into our profile book. Ashley has taken the lead with the design, and she's doing quite the bang up job! We've been scouring our hard drives for photos, but we've noticed that we haven't done the best using our cameras. I think there are more pictures of our dog than of either of us, especially Ashley. Looks like I need to be more of a shutter bug. I'll work on that. Anyway, our hope is to have the profile book finished by this weekend.

I believe that the most important part of our profile book is our "birth mother" letter. For those of you who don't know, it is a letter either independent of a profile book or in the first few pages that is addressed specifically to the birth mother and/or her family. It's the only real opportunity to speak directly to the mother. I was afraid that writing it would make me feel like I was making a Powerpoint slide deck. Something like:

"The Top 10 Reasons to Choose the Muehlbauer's"


Fortunately that wasn't the case. We ended up writing what I think is a very heartfelt message that in some ways preached into our own lives/ Ashley suggested including scripture in the letter, and God directed me to this:

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 ESV)


Though the context speaks of future glory attained on Christ's return, it also refers to suffering. I'm not putting our pain on the same level as the worst emotional or physical suffering, but to deny it's hurt would be oversimplifying it. Regardless, we have God's revealed will that says this thorn, if you will, will be worked out for our eternal good; and that brings me comfort.

Home Study

Well, we officially have our paperwork completed and have our home study on the calendar! The home study is one of the most important parts of the adoption process--we can't proceed with anything until we have it completed. A social worker will come into our home, take a tour of our house, gather all of our important documents, and interview us. Then once she makes a write-up (which could take a couple of weeks, depending on how busy she is) and everything is approved, we officially start waiting to be matched with a birth family! Our home study is scheduled for next Monday (as in 4 days from now)!!

In case you are curious, here are some of the documents we needed to gather:
-copy of most recent tax return
-copy of drivers licenses
-copy of marriage certificate
-copy of birth certificate
-verification of insurance
-letter of good standing from financial institutions
-proof of employment (mine is funny since I'm self-employed)
-medical report from physician
-4 personal reference letters
-child abuse/neglect screening and police check
-FBI fingerprint check
-proof of last will and testament
-proof that our dog is current on her shots

There are times when we've been frustrated to have to go through all of this to prove that we will be good parents, but in the grand scheme of things, it's easy and well worth it. And if I was giving my child up for adoption, I would want the adoptive parents to have been fingerprinted...This process is just forcing us to be responsible parents/adults, which is never a bad thing.

I'm sure in these next couple of days I will be running through answers in my head to potential interview questions (they ask a lot of personal questions like "What would you change about your spouse?"), cleaning behind the refrigerator, baking lots of cookies, and doing other silly and pointless things to "prepare." But when it comes down to it, I have faith that no matter how eloquent we answer the questions, the social worker will see that we'll be great parents!

So this is a major step toward getting our baby. Now all we have left to do is make our profile book--another extremely important step. This is basically a photo book of our family with a letter to the birth family, and it is basically how we will get matched. My book designer self is excited about that part! But first things first...home study!

That is the question

Just to reassure all of you, no, neither Ashley nor I have tuberculosis.