BB and the boy

It's been over a year since our last update. I would apologize, but the point of this blog was never to serve as an outlet for our creativity nor our writing prowess. This blog was the mechanism by which we kept our friends and family informed during our adoption process. To that end there is an update, but it is as unfortunate as it is long.

As many of you know, Beatrice is quite the peach; and we love her very much. We were delighted when we were asked by Beatrice's birth mom (we'll call her BB for the sake of this post) to adopt the child she was currently carrying. How could we say no? A chance to have not only a sibling but also a birth sibling for Beatrice! Without hesitating we said yes.

There were some bumpy patches on road, but few adoptions are perfect. On the morning of Wednesday, December 10th, 2014, we received a phone call from our attorney telling us BB's water had broken and that she was going to the hospital. At this point we feared the worst. We had no idea how far along BB was in her pregnancy. Ironically enough, that afternoon BB was scheduled to see her physician to determine a due date. By our best guesses she was about 30 weeks.

Thankfully she was 35 weeks. BB delivered a healthy baby boy, that she decided to parent.

There is no recourse. There is no backup. There is no newborn in our arms and this little boy will never be.

There are many platitudes I could insert here, many idioms to distance myself from the rawness; but I will refrain. I have had times where I've felt as though I've moved on only to find myself crying in my car mere hours later. The grief is all too real still, and I don't know when or if ever it will leave. There is no final goodbye: we will see him grow every year of our lives knowing what could have been. I don't know how to grieve for something that was and wasn't mine at the same time. How is there closure for a wound that is always re-opened?

Does he cry like his sister?

Does he have the same curly hair?

Who will teach him about Jesus?

We will continue to seek a sibling for Beatrice, and I know the Lord works all things out for the good of those who believe in Him. We will persevere, and we will struggle; but I fear I will love this little boy who was never mine always.