THE update!!!

We've had a crazy, stressful, exciting, scary, and joyful week. Let's just say we're tired.

I got a wonderful phone call on Monday of last week and found out that our profile book had been shown to a birthmother in Florida who was really interested in us and that I would be called that night with more information. I superglued my phone to my hand to make sure I wouldn't miss anything...it was a long night with no phone call.

Tuesday we got a little more information but still no decision.

Wednesday we heard that the birthmother still really liked us, liked that we live in "rural" Kansas (did she notice we live in Kansas City??) and wanted to know if we were okay with a long-distance open adoption (which we are!) I told the social worker that we love open adoption, but that I would check with Jeremy to make sure he was on board for annual trips to the lovely state of Florida.

Thursday--waiting, waiting, waiting. I finally made up an excuse to email the social worker and she said she was just waiting for me to confirm that Jeremy was on board. Uggghhh...I forgot to tell her that! I was waiting on them and they were waiting on me...frustrating!!!

Friday we left for Iowa to celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday. I checked my phone about 2,000 times on the way up and checked my email immediately upon checking in to the hotel. Nothing.

Saturday we had a lovely time strolling around Amana, Iowa, shopping for cheese, touring a woolen mill, eating a big meal with extended family, and biting our tongues as people asked about our adoption. "How's our adoption going? Hang on, let me check my phone..."

Sunday we lost control of our car driving home and were just thankful to be alive.

Monday morning we read the email that we had been MATCHED WITH A BABY!!!

Our birthmother sounds wonderful and the baby is due April 1st!. We have 20 weeks to hang that last shelf in the nursery...

We are over the moon that we have been matched, but we also understand that the baby isn't ours yet. Until she signs the papers shortly after birth, the birthmother is the baby's only mother and she has every right until then to change her mind and decide to parent. We hope that we can take the baby home, but we leave that in God's hands!

An Update and a Thank You

This blog is starting to collect cobwebs--so I know an update is long overdue. I think I've been putting it off since I wasn't entirely sure what to say. A part of me was hoping I could just skip this update and go straight to telling you that we had been matched with a sweet babe. But that's not the case, so here goes...

When we decided to move forward with adoption instead of continuing with fertility treatments, in the back of mind I thought things would get easier (and faster!). I know now that I was completely mistaken. Our hearts are still 100% behind adoption and we eagerly await our child, but this is just plain hard. It's hard when we go a month without hearing anything from our agency, and it's even harder when babies come up that turn out not to be ours.

So far our family profile has been viewed 5 or 6 times (I've lost count, and I don't particularly want to go back and do a tally). We've heard about birthmothers in their 30s and birthmothers who are 16. African American babies, Hispanic babies, Caucasian babies, biracial babies. 2-year-olds, 2-week-olds, and babies due in 6 months. And all of these children have been placed in loving homes--just not ours. Through our tears, we praise God for those babies and the new families that He has created.

The lies that I tell myself are that no birthmother will ever pick us, that God is being cruel by allowing this roller coaster of emotions into our lives. But God is faithful in reminding me of the truth: He has shown incredible grace to us by taking us down this road, by showing us our utter need for dependence on Him, and replacing our pride with humility. He has taught us to rejoice right now, in the midst of trial, and that He is ALL that we need. "I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" (Lamentations 3:24) And as I was singing these lyrics, I cringed that I could ever think God was unloving:

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss –
The Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory.

Many of you don't know when we are having a tough week or need an encouraging word, but we have been blown away by the support you have given us right when we need it. We can't thank you enough for the sweet notes, hugs, and prayers that we've received from you. We know that we are loved and so is our future little one! Thank you! We praise God for all of you!

A post by the dog

Dear internet people,

Will you give me a tummy rub? I'm feeling a little stressed.

Those tall people sent me on a "vacation" and when I came back they had totally destroyed my bedroom.

All that new furniture is really cramping my style--where is a dog to go to take a decent nap around here?

And those "knick-knacks" and "stuffed animals?" Don't I make the room cute enough on my own?

 

 

Hold up--is that a photo of puppies in the background? So these little punks are good enough for a frame but I am not? How rude...

Sometimes, after the humans have gone to sleep, I sneak in here in to get a little shut-eye, but that furniture keeps me awake with it's Swedish mumbling...

"Varför är vi här?"  ("Why are we here?")


"Varför de köper en krubba utan barn?"  ("Why did they buy a crib without a baby?)


"Jag vill ha en köttbulle." ("I want a meatball.")

I don't know what a "baby" is, but I don't like the sound of it. I don't know what a "meatball" is, but I want one.


I'm off to sulk in the living room...

 

Begrudgingly,

Ruby The Puppy

 

On Open Adoption

Since we are now firmly in waiting mode, we're finding that we don't have much to say about where we are adoption-wise. In the week following our home study finalization, we had a rush of activity. We were told about one baby here in K.C. (which we both decided was a wrong fit for us--a decision that was remarkably easy) and a whole handful of others in different parts of the country. We are still not entirely sure if we want to pursue an out-of-state adoption, and we haven't gotten any further information, so we are now in a bit of a stalemate.

One of the main reasons we're concerned about a long distance adoption is the probability that the birth mother won't be able to have much contact with us after the adoption. We also are uncomfortable with the fact that we might not know what kind of counseling the birth mother is receiving. When we first started this process, we, like many other soon-to-be adoptive parents were really scared of an open adoption, where there is continued contact with the birth mother. It felt invasive (and still does a little, honestly) and problematic. Is it healthy for the birth mom to have so much contact with us? What if we don't get along? But as we've gotten further along, we've been finding ourselves being drawn to open adoptions more and more.

Our agency gave us a book to read that is written for mothers thinking about placing their child for adoption, called The Third Choice. I'm not gonna lie, it's not the happiest book on the planet, but it's been eye-opening. It reinforces the fact that adoption ultimately is a loss for everyone involved. The adoptive parents lose privacy and often are dealing with the loss of having a biological child. The child loses the experience of being raised with their biological family, and the birth mom obviously loses her baby. No matter how secure the birth mother is with her adoption decision, she will experience some kind of depression after the placement. The book quotes a birth mom, "I never knew I could hurt so much. I never thought I would cry so long." And while every situation is unique, having an open adoption can often help a birth mother cope. Seeing her baby in their new home with their new parents can help calm fears that she made a bad decision. She can also know and interact her child, just not as a parent. It also answers a lot of questions for the child. Here's a quote from the book from an adoptive parent:

"It's funny how initially I feared contact with my birthparent and now I treasure it. My daughter knows she is loved by her birthmom not because I have told her so but because she has been told this directly from her birthmom. This means the world to me as I know this contributes to my efforts to try to help her become a strong, well-adjusted young woman."

So we don't know what kind of adoption we'll end up with, we just hope and pray that the birth mom receives the support and counseling that she needs, and that the whole process is a healthy one.

In other news, we now have a new rug and light fixture for the nursery!

 

And baby's not the only one getting new furniture:

 

The Silent Treatment Is Pretty Childish After All

Kansas and I are finally back on speaking terms. Perhaps I should elaborate.

The reason we haven't updated this blog in many moons is because there has been no change. Back in late March/early April we found out that we needed far more paperwork than we expected for our home study. We're talkin' background checks from each state we've lived in for something like the last 10 years. Kansas had been completed but nothing else. So we begrudgingly got together more paperwork and sent off our requests. Though it seemed like an eternity, two weeks later we had all our background checks. In fact, they all came in within two days of each other. Fantastic! Or so we thought. As it turned out, a child abuse screening from Kansas was never received by our agency. To put it in perspective, the check for the screening cleared on March 27th; but by mid-April we were still waiting. After a couple days of phone calls we learned that Kansas had supposedly sent the report and that they do not keep copies. I ask you, dear reader, in this day and age who doesn't backup their work? So we sent off for a new screening.

Fast forward two more weeks to last Friday. We received an email out of the blue from our social worker saying that she received our screening. Hooray! I'm going to say it once more, this time with feeling. HOORAY! I apologize for the caps lock, dear reader: I wasn't yelling at you.

All that needs to be done now is our home study will need whatever random placeholder date was used replaced with "05/12/2012". Sounds good to me. We'll be able to be shown to birth moms pretty much immediately.

So that's why I say that I'm back on speaking terms with Kansas.

Waiting...to be waiting

Well, it's been about three weeks since our home study and we've taken some big steps forward and a few steps back. We were less than pleased to find out that some of our paperwork had fallen through the cracks at our agency, and that we needed to fill out background checks for three additional states. After a lot of frustration, we finally got everything in the mail. Unfortunately, our home study cannot be finalized until our background checks are cleared, and that could possibly take several more weeks. So now all we can do is wait...then once everything is cleared we can officially start waiting to be matched with a baby.

So with all this waiting in our future, we're trying to keep ourselves busy. We finished our family profile books (they look great!). We'll probably check out some books from the library about adoption, raising children of a different race, etc., etc. But the thing I'm most excited about is starting our nursery! A couple of weeks ago we moved all of my office furniture into our guest bedroom so that we could start painting. I don't think I've ever been more excited to paint a room. Here's some before pictures:

We had some major water damage in this room that is (finally!!) fixed, so it's nice to have covered up all reminders of that fiasco. And time has not been a friend to this room, so it needed a little extra TLC. (The floor looks like someone practiced tap dancing in it everyday...rough shape.) So we chose a nice clean, crisp cream color for the walls (a departure from my normal love of colorful walls), painted the trim so it's all the same color (none of the trim matched before), and now the room just glows with sunlight. We're so happy with it!

Of course I've already picked out a crib, rug (turquoise!), light fixture, you name it, but we're trying to pace ourselves. It won't make the waiting any easier if we have a fully finished nursery and no baby. But it feels great to make a little progress! And to end, a photo of the sweet sock monkey my mother made:

Wherein the home study is complete and our cheese runs in fear

First, let me start by saying that I apologize for getting this up so late after the home study. Second, let me finish by saying it is such a relief to have it in the rear-view mirror. The home study wasn't hard by any stretch, but Ashley and I put so much of ourselves into preparing that I think we built it up into something greater than what is was. All it amounted to was a woman a few years older than Ashley or I coming into our home and asking us a questions regarding our past (how we met, our childhoods, etc.). The icing on the cake was that our social worker completing the home study knew at least two people from our church. It was talking with a good friend. She clearly knew how to make a home study easy on the participants. In fact, if we had the same social worker, I'd do another home study in a heart beat. I really enjoyed getting to reminisce with Ashley.

The home study paper work should be done in about two weeks. In addition, we finally got our background check applications in the mail from Light House and sent them off for completion. That only leaves the profile book, which we ordered today. That's all of it folks! It won't truly be finished until the profile books are in the hands of Light House and our social worker in Florida, but it is such a weight off our chests. I can't wait to hear about our first showing!

On the lighter side, my love for cheese knows no bounds. Sure, I may not like all cheeses; but I sure do enjoy the good ones. We've been a little "cheese impaired" the last couple of months. First, one of our cheese graters lost its handle then our cheese slicer went out of commission. Thankfully we had a cheese knife, but still...it was harder to enjoy one of my favorite treats. NOT ANYMORE! Ashley and I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond last night and got ourselves a new grater and cheese slicer; and the slicer has this fantastic, squishy handle. No blisters from cutting cheese for this guy! We also bought a paper towel holder from one of the only companies with which I will remain brand loyal, Simple Human. They're probably the Apple of home goods, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is there products are fantastic and I won't say any more about them without further provocation. Seriously. I'm done.

Disappointments and what comes next

As you may or may not have heard, our home study appointment was postponed. I think it's safe to say that we're a little disappointed, but we are encouraged by the quick turn around. To sum it all up, the children of the social worker who was to do our home study on Monday came down with colds; therefore, she had to care for her kids. God willing, she will be performing the home study this Friday night at 6:30 pm. Friday wasn't one of her available days initially, so we're thankful that she's making room for us.

In the meantime we've been focusing a lot of our energy into our profile book. Ashley has taken the lead with the design, and she's doing quite the bang up job! We've been scouring our hard drives for photos, but we've noticed that we haven't done the best using our cameras. I think there are more pictures of our dog than of either of us, especially Ashley. Looks like I need to be more of a shutter bug. I'll work on that. Anyway, our hope is to have the profile book finished by this weekend.

I believe that the most important part of our profile book is our "birth mother" letter. For those of you who don't know, it is a letter either independent of a profile book or in the first few pages that is addressed specifically to the birth mother and/or her family. It's the only real opportunity to speak directly to the mother. I was afraid that writing it would make me feel like I was making a Powerpoint slide deck. Something like:

"The Top 10 Reasons to Choose the Muehlbauer's"


Fortunately that wasn't the case. We ended up writing what I think is a very heartfelt message that in some ways preached into our own lives/ Ashley suggested including scripture in the letter, and God directed me to this:

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 ESV)


Though the context speaks of future glory attained on Christ's return, it also refers to suffering. I'm not putting our pain on the same level as the worst emotional or physical suffering, but to deny it's hurt would be oversimplifying it. Regardless, we have God's revealed will that says this thorn, if you will, will be worked out for our eternal good; and that brings me comfort.

Home Study

Well, we officially have our paperwork completed and have our home study on the calendar! The home study is one of the most important parts of the adoption process--we can't proceed with anything until we have it completed. A social worker will come into our home, take a tour of our house, gather all of our important documents, and interview us. Then once she makes a write-up (which could take a couple of weeks, depending on how busy she is) and everything is approved, we officially start waiting to be matched with a birth family! Our home study is scheduled for next Monday (as in 4 days from now)!!

In case you are curious, here are some of the documents we needed to gather:
-copy of most recent tax return
-copy of drivers licenses
-copy of marriage certificate
-copy of birth certificate
-verification of insurance
-letter of good standing from financial institutions
-proof of employment (mine is funny since I'm self-employed)
-medical report from physician
-4 personal reference letters
-child abuse/neglect screening and police check
-FBI fingerprint check
-proof of last will and testament
-proof that our dog is current on her shots

There are times when we've been frustrated to have to go through all of this to prove that we will be good parents, but in the grand scheme of things, it's easy and well worth it. And if I was giving my child up for adoption, I would want the adoptive parents to have been fingerprinted...This process is just forcing us to be responsible parents/adults, which is never a bad thing.

I'm sure in these next couple of days I will be running through answers in my head to potential interview questions (they ask a lot of personal questions like "What would you change about your spouse?"), cleaning behind the refrigerator, baking lots of cookies, and doing other silly and pointless things to "prepare." But when it comes down to it, I have faith that no matter how eloquent we answer the questions, the social worker will see that we'll be great parents!

So this is a major step toward getting our baby. Now all we have left to do is make our profile book--another extremely important step. This is basically a photo book of our family with a letter to the birth family, and it is basically how we will get matched. My book designer self is excited about that part! But first things first...home study!

That is the question

Just to reassure all of you, no, neither Ashley nor I have tuberculosis.

TB or not TB

As Ashley and I finish up the home stretch of home study prep, I think I need to speak to one of the more light hearted moments in this process. Part of our paper work required recent physicals, but we had never found a primary care provider since moving the Kansas City in 2008. After finding a doctor with whom we felt comfortable, we scheduled our appointments for last Thursday, March 1st.

It was the typical physical fare, but the physician wanted us to take a TB (tuberculosis) skin test. I've never had one of these tests because I was pretty sure I haven't had nor currently do have tuberculosis; but we scheduled this final test for last Monday, March 5th. Now, the premise of this test is to have a special solution injected just beneath your top layer of skin. I didn't know this going into the test. I assumed something more in line with a petri dish. The injection creates a bubble in your skin. Well, it looks more like there's buried treasure in your arm. If you doubt me, use the magic of the internet and take a peek. All I could think of during the injection was blowing bubbles in milk.

Don't meditate on that visual for too long. It's a little weird.

We have our results read tomorrow.

A little bit of our story...

For those of you who don't know, here is a little bit of our story. After we got married, Jeremy and I imagined getting a cute little house, an adorable puppy, and having 3 red-headed/blonde kiddos. We got the house and the dog (yes, she is adorable). I started freelancing from home so that I could keep working but stay home with our babies. We both have a huge heart for adoption and have always said that it was something we wanted to do even if we could have biological children, but we decided to try to get pregnant first before pursuing adoption. After a year of trying, we were being treated for infertility: undergoing test after test, ultrasounds and blood draws every couple of weeks. I took drugs to make me ovulate (even though I was doing that just fine on my own), and we waited month after month, only to be disappointed each time.

In August 2011 I had a laparoscopic surgery and was diagnosed with moderate endometriosis. (You can read about that here if you don't know what it is.) We were told that we had the best chance of getting pregnant within 3-6 months of the surgery, but that we should see a specialist. We decided to wait it out on our own, but only lasted a couple of months before we scheduled a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist to see what our options were moving forward. We decided to try three months of IUI. More waiting. More disappointment. The only thing left was in vitro (IVF), something we were uneasy about and had said from the beginning we wouldn't do. As time went on, though, and after seeing pregnant woman after pregnant woman, the desire for biological children was overwhelming. We saved the money, prepared ourselves for the possibility of twins and scheduled an appointment. We just had one or two questions that we needed to have answered before moving forward.

After a quick meeting with our doctor, we felt defeated. Our concerns about IVF were confirmed and we decided it was too much of a gamble with the lives of our precious babies, not to mention an incredible financial risk. That's when we came to see that God was calling us to adoption now--not later in life. We mourned (and continue to mourn) that we might never get pregnant, but were filled with incredible excitement that our dream of adoption might actually come true--and soon!

We jumped right in--speaking with dear friends who have adopted children, researching agencies, social workers, etc. etc. In February we turned in our application to a wonderful agency here in KC, we've made connections with a social worker in Florida, and we've been consumed with gathering paperwork in preparation for our home study. The wheels are moving!

We couldn't be more excited for the possibility of a little one in our home. We don't know if it will be a month or a couple of years until that becomes a reality, but right now we're feeling optimistic. Looks like my home office will soon be a nursery! 

Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

 

Welcome!

Welcome family and friends! We've decided to start this blog to keep everyone up to date on our (hopefully not too long) journey to adopting our first child. We've already received so much support and encouragement from so many of you these last couple of years, and we want you all to know how thankful we are! These last two and half years have been the most challenging and difficult season of both of our lives, but we look back upon it with thankfulness and eagerness for the next chapter. We can't wait until we can rename this blog, "A Guy, a Girl, a Dog, and a Baby!"

--Jeremy & Ashley