On Open Adoption

Since we are now firmly in waiting mode, we're finding that we don't have much to say about where we are adoption-wise. In the week following our home study finalization, we had a rush of activity. We were told about one baby here in K.C. (which we both decided was a wrong fit for us--a decision that was remarkably easy) and a whole handful of others in different parts of the country. We are still not entirely sure if we want to pursue an out-of-state adoption, and we haven't gotten any further information, so we are now in a bit of a stalemate.

One of the main reasons we're concerned about a long distance adoption is the probability that the birth mother won't be able to have much contact with us after the adoption. We also are uncomfortable with the fact that we might not know what kind of counseling the birth mother is receiving. When we first started this process, we, like many other soon-to-be adoptive parents were really scared of an open adoption, where there is continued contact with the birth mother. It felt invasive (and still does a little, honestly) and problematic. Is it healthy for the birth mom to have so much contact with us? What if we don't get along? But as we've gotten further along, we've been finding ourselves being drawn to open adoptions more and more.

Our agency gave us a book to read that is written for mothers thinking about placing their child for adoption, called The Third Choice. I'm not gonna lie, it's not the happiest book on the planet, but it's been eye-opening. It reinforces the fact that adoption ultimately is a loss for everyone involved. The adoptive parents lose privacy and often are dealing with the loss of having a biological child. The child loses the experience of being raised with their biological family, and the birth mom obviously loses her baby. No matter how secure the birth mother is with her adoption decision, she will experience some kind of depression after the placement. The book quotes a birth mom, "I never knew I could hurt so much. I never thought I would cry so long." And while every situation is unique, having an open adoption can often help a birth mother cope. Seeing her baby in their new home with their new parents can help calm fears that she made a bad decision. She can also know and interact her child, just not as a parent. It also answers a lot of questions for the child. Here's a quote from the book from an adoptive parent:

"It's funny how initially I feared contact with my birthparent and now I treasure it. My daughter knows she is loved by her birthmom not because I have told her so but because she has been told this directly from her birthmom. This means the world to me as I know this contributes to my efforts to try to help her become a strong, well-adjusted young woman."

So we don't know what kind of adoption we'll end up with, we just hope and pray that the birth mom receives the support and counseling that she needs, and that the whole process is a healthy one.

In other news, we now have a new rug and light fixture for the nursery!

 

And baby's not the only one getting new furniture: